And the running begins...

So I had planned on last week being my first week running, but Monday came and I was feeling terrible.  My training plan didn't actually call for a Monday run, but I had decided I would use Monday to start running.

But I was sick, just felt terrible and didn't run.  Tuesday came, I was still feeling bad, didn't plan on running.

Then there was a picture posted from a family photo shoot.  As you can see below it's a wonderful picture.

When I looked at the picture I was disgusted. It took me a while to get over what I saw when I looked at the picture which was just me and how large I look.  

So I ran Tuesday, three miles.  It was hard, very hard.  I ran just over a half a mile and then had to walk.  It was slow, it was hot (90 plus degrees), but I finished it.  All three miles.

Wednesday I ran again, this time just two miles.  It was harder as now my legs were sore, but I finished it.

Friday I went again, three miles, this time I was able to run the first full mile before needing to walk.

My long run was planned on Sunday, but when I awoke it was pouring down rain.  So it would have to wait.  I went about my day and basically had talked myself out of it. Then I realized I would be mad at myself again if I skipped the run and it would be worse then any amount of pain the run caused me.

So I ran, 4 miles.  Again I was able to clear the first mile without needing to walk and I was able to finish it.

12 miles in my first week back to training.  Was it the speed I want to run? No, but I ran and I finished it and this week I'll run again (assuming we don't get hit hard by this tropical storm they are calling for).

Hate

Hate is a very strong word and is a word that is often thrown about when people really don't mean it. You see it all the time in a social media world and or just being around a group of people, people hate all sorts of things.

They hate the lighting, the hate their boss, their co-workers, they hate their drive and the list could go on and on.

Some of these things might be true, people might actually hate the things they say, but often times hate is used when saying dis-like would be much more appropriate. Most people don't truly hate a lot of things, but just dis-like they things they are talking about.

So why is this blog titled hate? Yesterday my wife and I went to have family pictures done as my son recently turned one.

It should have been a joyous occasion, our son just turned one, we survived the first year.  All things that are wonderful, but I was in a foul mood. I snipped at my wife a few times and was just not happy.

I got to thinking and wondering why I was the way I am and the answer was pretty simple.  Hate.

I really hate myself right now, I hate the way I look, I hate the size clothing I'm wearing.  I don't hate my personality or who I am directly, but I hate what I've physically become.

It's sad and very upsetting that I'm where I am physically.

I need to change.

Today will start that change.  I'll start tracking and recording EVERYTHING.  I'm starting a workout program.

I can't let myself fail again, I can't continue to hate myself.  I have to improve, I have to get better.

My Fitness Failure

I have deleted and rewrote so many stories on this blog.  I know it gets some hits, but I'm not sure if anyone outside of family actually reads it, I'm not even sure if my family reads it.

But I'm here to admit that I am a failure.

I started this years ago as my journey to get healthy, sadly today I'm as unhealthy as I have been since college.

I now carry a body weight higher than I have ever had before.

I disgust myself.

I know what I need to do to change things, I know the choices I need to make, I know what I need to do, but I keep on doing the opposite and I don't know why.

People have offered their help, but I haven't taken it.  Instead I keep on doing the wrong thing and then keep on hating myself for doing the wrong thing.

I am so frustrated with myself, I'm so mad at myself.

I know I need to change, I know I have to change.  For myself, for my wife, for my son, but why do I keep on making the same mistakes?

Hopefully I'll find an answer soon